Should you stay or should you go?

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Should you stay or should you go?

He says he’s not ready to be serious – should you stay or should you go? We get dating experts to clue us in…

Sophie Hong

Explanation #1:
He’s not sure about you….yet

“He’s telling you how he really feels, which is: I’m not ready to get into a relationships with you right now. This doesn’t mean that I won’t change my mind in the future, but for now, we will not be in a serious relationship,” explains Angela.

It’s east to be hurt by this, but remeber that you need to give people time to fall in love with you. Angela’s advice in such situation is to accept this calmly, prioritize him less, and only give him what he’s willing to invest. This means you shouldn’t clear your schedule just to accomodate him, and you should even start dating other people. “Meet him only when you’re truly available,” she says. As miffed as you might be about this indecision, Angela says displaying your unhappiness via petty behaviour can just make him nope the eff out of this non-relationship.

 

Explanation #2

The timing is off

Let’s be real here: life does get in the way sometimes. Rom-coms have us believing that a guy would bend over backwards just to be with the object of his affection, but this isn’t how real life works Ad just because he’s been very sweet to you, and has clear told you that he likes you, doesn’t necessarily mean he’s looking for something more

“What ‘bad timing’ really means is there are other things in his life that are more important to him than a relationship with you right now,” Angela explains.

Explanation #3:

He’s scared

Commitment requires effort, which can be daunting for some people. “It’s the what-if syndrome,” says Cindy.

Angela agrees, citing fear as one of the biggest reaons why a lof men don’t want to get serious. He’s probably thinking to himself: “What if it doesn’t work out? What if there’s someone better out there?” He might also be apprehensive because being in a committed relationships means giving up some of the freedom he’s enjoying as a single man, and having to take on additional responsibilities.

Explanation #4:

You had the “what are we” talk too soon

Maybe you guys had just started dating. Maybe he’s trying to take things slow at the moment. Either way, he can’t define the relationship when he isn’t 100 percent sure about you. The right time is different for every couple, and Cindy recommends asking this question only when the two of you have crossed certain emotional and physical boundaries.

That said, a general rule is to have this talk two to three months after you guys have started seeing each other. “If a guy cannot make up his mind after two to three months, it might not be worthwhile to waste more time waiting for him,” Cindy says.

Explanation #5:

He’s just not looking to settle down, period

There are some people whose priorities in life doesn’t include monogamy or serious relationships, so believe him when he says it. “Don’t fall into the trap of a saviour mentality and think you could be the The One who changes his mind,” cautions Cindy. If his interested aren’t aligned with yours, it’s often in your best interest to walk away – after all, you’re more than deserving of a loving and supportive relationship (if you’re ready to get serious, that is).

Red Flags

Here are some scenarios to watch out for.

He treats you like you’re disposable

He never tried to reschedule when you cant make a date, and often leaves you on “read”. He doesn’t make time for you, and you feel like he’s just fitting you into the free slots of his schedule as opposed to making time for you.

He’s not open with you

You realise that you actually know very little about him, even though you’ve spent a lot of time together. He’s also very dodgy about revealing who he’s hanging out with.

His actions don’t match his words

He may say very sweet stuff to you – like how much he likes you, or how he can’t wait to see you after you’re back from you work trip – but if he’s not actually following that up with actions that show you how much you mean to him, it’s all nothing more than lip service.

He doesn’t like to make plans with you

He’ very non-committal when it comes to making plans. He hems and haws when you try to organise something with him – be it dinner on Friday night or a short getaway to Bali during that long weekend a couple of months later.

 

 

This article is featured in CLEO. Written by Sophie Hong on 7 February 2019.

Cindy Leong
Cindy Leong
Cindy Leong is a sought after bilingual (English and Mandarin) Enneagram Personality Coach and Corporate Trainer in Asia, who can help you make sense of your professional and personal relationships. She is a member of International Coach Federation (ICF) and Singapore Psychological Society (SPS). Besides a Bachelor Degree in Psychology (majoring in Communications), she also has a Diploma in Business and has done in-depth research and studies in the areas of Organisational Behaviour and Gender Communications, both in Singapore and Taiwan. Through her expertise in corporate executive coaching, personal development, and relationship coaching, she has helped many professionals in their walk through challenging times, particularly in the areas of identity searching, relationship building and career breakthrough. Aside from being a published author of 2 books, she has also been invited by several radio stations and magazines as an expert guest speaker to provide insights into Enneagram, workplace conflicts and relationships.
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